Rummage

You can lead a horse to water…

I went ahead and snooped – I rummaged through my past, I looked at old photos, I listened to old music, I sat with old memories. What seems like a shouldn’t become yeah you should, and it became time to reflect.

Since I’ve decided to bastardize my love for all things food and cooking I don’t even know where else to begin. Scratch that – I didn’t know where else to begin. I’ve fully accepted that I no longer want to cook like I used to – how does one lose interest so fast, and so hard?

Before I moved to New York I asked myself…”Hey Tina…when your old and on your deathbed, would you regret not having moved to New York when you had the chance to?”

I had no plans. I had no incentive. I had no known nothing… I had little to expect and not much to lose when I moved to NY. But give or take a year in – I lost all knowledge of what or who I was, and I completely lost my love for food and cooking. I disassociated myself from many a friend, from a stranger, from many a happy day.

New York is a spiral – a winding staircase that coils… the steps down disappear and the only thing you can do is … Step. by. Step.

Many a teary night, many a lonely fight but many a time to be lifted up.

I’ve learned a lot within these past few years – I’ve lost a lot in these past few years. I’ve gained a lot in these past few years – and not all were tangible.

When I cooked I remember asking another fellow fancy chef what changed when she started to cook. Her reply? “My palate” . When I cooked, I remember asking myself what the most important thing that I had learned. My reply? “When I became a cook I learned that within a split second I could lose my patience and gain it back.” Certainly, I ask myself way too many fuckin’ questions.

A test of will, endurance, humility…CHANCE. Just take it…what can you lose.

When I went on interview after interview here in NY someone had asked me “What has been the hardest part about New York?” My reply? STAMINA – But rummaging through my past does one thing. Rummaging through old photos, reconnecting with old friends, rummaging through old things…things…

This has taught me one thing – that if I thought those times were hard and if I got through then I can do it again – my stamina for the hustle isn’t the same but what stays the same?

It takes lots of stamina to muster up spirit when you no longer have an identity to which you were once so praised. You no longer have an identity – a box as you will – something you worked so hard towards. Now that box is ripped open – it’s ready for something new. I want to be liberated from that box.

You know…it’s been a tough one. Trying to find out who I am again – but I’ve made some strides. Absolute solitude is my wakening force and trusted friend, I gotta say, New York is a great place for finding your gems again. Finding your voice again.