Change

You’re totally going to change.

In May I wrote a guest blog post on Charlotte Druckman’s Tumblr.   Charlotte is an accomplished writer/journalist living and working out in New York who regularly contributes to the WSJ.Com  and New York Times T Mag Blog.  She is also writing a book on women chef’s called  Skirt Steak: Woman Chefs on Standing the Heat & Staying in the Kitchen due out Fall, 2012 on Chronicle books.  During this time I felt ill with loss and separation from my accomplishments and felt much disappointment, but  there was also rediscovery and rebirth which I continue to do.  In response to that post there were some great chefs that contacted me and told me to keep on looking actually MOVE forward.  I needed that,  I yearned for the voice and participation of other women in my field that have stuck through it.  Here is the link (finally) to those who haven’t read it…

COOK INTERUPTED: 
“When I started to cook, my eyes were cloudy with romanticism. Here I was, finally cooking.   I was intent on learning and having a mentor.  I was super-idealistic about the evolution of a chef—what it was going to be like to button up those whites. ..”
(Click To Continue reading the post from Charlottes Blog)

During that time I kept busy and not so busy passing the time by questioning my motives.  It was too hard to try to forget that moment when I looked in the mirror with utter despair, and told myself everything was going to be okay.   The images of other chefs telling me to not give up, and with Charlotte’s help  I was able to speak to different chefs, and some allowed me into their kitchens, because this is what they do.

Happier times ahead… fruitful ones realizing that I have put just too much on my shoulders. Giving myself a bit of time to inhale and exhale.

Leather…

You know I’m not 21 anymore…I find that my hustle to get by day by day is getting harder and harder.   My track record right now since my layoff isn’t the greatest as said by one of my close friends, but the catalyst to my breaking into cooking was my layoff; from a great and consistent 9-5 w/ health insurance. Le sigh…ahhhhhhhhh.  Just when I thought that my college education gave me a great job with room for growth–once again I was thrown back to becoming a waitress “just got for a little bit”… so now the journey into the kitchen…

It still affects me–that layoff.  Lately it’s been such a struggle to keep up with finances and bills. But I just have to keep on moving.  The second job? The Third job?  I think of the frivolous spending amidst a couple of months ago, I think of the holidays to come, I think of the new job that will be starting in December the working nights and the weekends.  It’s gonna be quite the transition. 

I’m not writing about anything bad, but in this journey to becoming a “chef” I am currently starting at the bottom when once I was steady stable and often times longing to cook.  Whether I am prepping squash, pears, beets, garlic, pizza dough or frozen calamari, or whether I’m on the line; I enjoy these moments…I just don’t enjoy the bills that come along–and a beginning kitchen staffs wage.   Never do I begin to question if I am happy doing what it is that I am doing.    

In general life is complex: finding yourself, a career, and working alongside that dang passion that I so often talk about is also hard.   Add that together and you got yourself quite the puzzle.  Student loans are also a reality.  

Is it possible to do both, hustle at both. Pursue a longing and long term desire, and to maintain that professional self.  It can happen it just takes time and right now is a great time for change. And of course a perfect example of that change was Tuesday nights Presidential Election.